Another in the series of questions with Ilene, my friend who is dying of ALS:
Seems like it takes a lot of work to leave consciously. What’s your take on this?
You bet! Whenever I reach that point where I feel “ I am done” that it is too hard to be in a body that doesn’t move or function, it takes everything I have to carry on and not give up. To me, giving up isn’t conscious. To leave consciously requires decisions and making choices about how I want it to be, carefully balanced with what is and what I can’t control. I can’t tell you how delicate this balance is. I go from trying to control it all to totally turning it over to God, fate, my Higher Self. I flip-flopped three times yesterday between these. It is a delicate dance.
Some people would say that much of the dying process is in God’s hands—when and how. Does it ever feel like you are waiting to die? If so, what’s it like to wait to die?
It does feel like I am waiting to die. And I rebel against that with all my being. I am a person who wants choices and control. So I wait . . . and then I create ways that I can make the most of the time, make it meaningful, make it mine.
I recently decided that my final time will be spent in Ceremony, of the type that I have experienced with my dear friend, White Eagle, of the Delicate Lodge. I will create a space that serves me in going inward, looking at my life, including my loved ones and helps me to pull back from this external world.
I want to honor the process and my life and be sure that I am complete. There is a way that I have no control of when I go. Yet I want to believe that if I am really done and complete, then it is possible to leave. I ride this river and watch and wait and take in and create from what shows up, trusting that there is a way to leave consciously and co-create this with God.