I use a prep form with my clients that helps them summarize what’s happened since we last met. It also helps them focus the conversation for our coaching session. I use the form myself, when meeting with my coach. One of the questions is this one:
"What question do you hope I don’t ask?"
Last week, I wrote this in response: "What do I get out of filling up space on my schedule?"
I had been struggling with keeping a sane schedule, one that allowed for some breathing space, where I didn’t have the feeling of always doing. And lately, no matter how much I made room on my schedule for "nothing," it seemed to fill up anyway.
Half-way into the coaching session, I heard a voice inside of me, the voice of my best self say: "You’ve grown past that."
What I understood immediately is that five years ago, when I started my business as a coach and a consultant, I did need to fill up space on my schedule. On my schedule were networking events, teleseminars to learn my craft as a coach, and any other activity that made me feel as if I was making progress towards being in the black instead of the red. No lead was too obscure to follow-up on. No gig was too small or out of my reach to take on. I was doing, doing, doing. This happens, sometimes out of sheer panic, when you start a business and your family is counting on you to pay the mortgage.
Fast forward five years later. My coaching clients come without me doing, doing, doing. They come by referral, by listening to my podcasts, by reading my blogs, by finding my biz website. My work as a team development consultant comes by referral, repeat customers, and strategic alliances. I no longer need to fill up space on my schedule to fill the pipeline. This doesn’t mean that I don’t need to do marketing. It means I don’t need to do it in the way that I did it five years ago.
When I had this insight, my coach identified this as a type of "jet lag," where our behaviors, beliefs, and mindset take awhile to catch up to who we are today.
Since then I’ve noticed examples by others of jet lag:
- A friend who was managing her life based on her financial and health conditions five years ago, instead of what it looks like today (much deteriorated on both counts).
- A former client whose board of directors had grown considerably in the last three years, but who was still operating in a footloose way, when the board consisted of a few long-time friends.
- A current client who had shifted into the world of being a creative solopreneur, but who still felt the need to keep up a "corporate" persona, right down to the look and feel and language of her website.
Jet lag happens for organizations as well as for individuals. When companies are going through "growing pains," operating with a family-like atmosphere in a large publicly held company or continuing a "make-it-up-as-you-go" environment when their customer base demands reproducible processes, they have jet lag.
The good news is that we can all get over jet lag. It’s curable. The bad news is that the cure only comes when you have awareness first.
What behaviors and beliefs do you have that are outdated, for who you are today?
You may not be happy that I asked the question. The answers may surprise you. Leave a comment to tell me about your jet lag.
I like the metaphor of “jet lag” to describe this phenomena. I see it in relationships as well as in individual identities. Who we are to or with one another changes. I grew up as the big sister, the good student, and the “little princess” (only girl) in the family. I still am a “big sister,” but in very different ways than when my brothers were little kids. And it took me a while to learn how to identify myself, my role, and my unique strengths within my family without being able to say, “I make my family proud with good grades” and “I’m the only girl!” It’s funny how jet lag occurs, and how starkly different reality can be by the time we realize we were operating under jet lag. This is the first time I thought of it in terms of “jet lag,” but it captures the situation well. I’ll be utilizing that phrase in my own conversations down the road.
Also, as to the “What question do I hope that no one asks me…” That made me laugh, because when I read it, an answer just *flew* to the front of my brain like it was waiting in pounce-position to be acknowledged. And my Rationalize Everything Gremlin promptly stepped up with a large push broom and started sweeping it back into the recesses of procrastination. (I stopped him. He was not pleased.) I wrote down that question on my dry erase board in my office, though. I wonder if I’ll have a similar reaction to it each day. I’ll keep notes on that…
Hi Marissa,
You must have read my mind. I’m working on a part 2 of Jet Lag, where how we think of others has not caught up to who they are today. I find this to be particularly true when I’m thinking about my kids, who are in the midst of the teenage years. Stay tuned….